It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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