i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
