Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
