how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
