I think im going to throw up on grandma
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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