yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
