I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize