Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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