somebody snuck up and got me drunk
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize