So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
