I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The Olympian is in my bed
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
