i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
