He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
