I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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