I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
