I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
