my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
