Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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