At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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