So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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