I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
