I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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