I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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