they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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