Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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