After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
