So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
