Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
