Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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