I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
