Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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