No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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