I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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