Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
