Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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