i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
