you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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