just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
