I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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