watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
