Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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