He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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