if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
