the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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