im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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