I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
