he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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