I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
