fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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