living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
