YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
