I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
