i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
