Jerry, you need to find god
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
