so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
