I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
