So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
