about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
