My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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